Understanding Big Feelings

Emotional intensity is a natural part of child development. Many children experience what caregivers often describe as “big feelings,” strong emotional responses that can sometimes look disproportionate to the situation at hand. While these moments can be challenging, they also provide important opportunities to build skills in emotional regulation and resilience.

Understanding Big Feelings

“Big feelings” refer to states of emotional dysregulation in which a child’s nervous system becomes overwhelmed.

These can show up in different ways, including:

• Heightened frustration or irritability during transitions

• Excessive worry or preoccupation with social or academic stressors

• Emotional outbursts or meltdowns

• Prolonged sadness or withdrawal

For children, these emotions are not minor or exaggerated. They are deeply felt, physiologically and psychologically real. The developing brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex, has not yet matured enough to fully support impulse control, flexible thinking, and self-soothing.

Why Regulation Is Difficult for Children

Children are still in the process of learning self-regulation skills, the ability to identify, manage, and recover from strong emotions. When overwhelmed, the limbic system, the brain’s emotional center, takes over, limiting access to problem-solving and rational thought. This is why intense emotions often override logic in the moment.

Evidence-Informed Strategies for Caregivers

1. Co-Regulation Before Self-Regulation Children need a calm, regulated adult presence to anchor them. Your composure and empathy communicate safety and containment.

2. Name the Feeling

Research shows that helping children label their emotions (“You’re feeling disappointed that the game ended”) activates neural pathways that reduce intensity and build emotional literacy.

3. Validate Before You Fix

Acknowledging a child’s emotional experience (“I can see this feels very upsetting”) creates trust. Jumping too quickly to solutions can make children feel dismissed.

4. Provide Regulation Tools

Strategies such as deep breathing, sensory breaks, or expressive outlets like art, journaling, or movement can help reset the body and brain.

5. Reflect Together Afterwards

Once calm, engage in reflective conversation: “What did you notice in your body when you got upset?” or “What helped you start to feel better?” This supports awareness and prepares them for next time.

The Opportunity Within Emotional Intensity

Instead of seeing big feelings as disruptions, it helps to frame them as developmental practice moments. Each episode offers children the chance to strengthen emotional competence and caregivers the chance to reinforce safety and connection.

Together, we transform “big feelings” into opportunities for growth, resilience, and stronger relationships.